So, tonight I stripped down and stepped outside into the mountain wilderness that I call home, looked to the breathtakingly beautiful full moon standing tall in all her glory, and I dropped my robe to stand fully in mine.
I've been looking forward to and working up to this night all week, all month, and in some ways, all my life. For too long, far too long, i have carried secret burdens, I have carried, buried, secret shame. All my life, I've spent concentrated effort into concealing it and in keeping it hidden. Under heavy clothes, and a heavier heart, or attempting to mask it in my favorite tight pants and optimistic smiles, but alas I have never been able to conceal them from myself. No matter how much I grow personally, nor how far I go in my career, my shame has never left me, and has always let me know.
One step forward, and two steps back. Doing great, great, great, and bam brick wall. Played off as writer's block, or hitting a lull, I always know in my heart what 'it' is that is keeping my goal just out of my reach, It's shame. Pure and simple, dirty, nasty shame. Shame has been telling me since I was just a little girl that there is something inherently wrong with me, that I am not naturally worthy of love and good things, and that I have to work really really hard to earn even the slightest success.
We are all victims of shame. If you stop to consider it and look around, and notice how people speak to children, young adults, and even their peers, shaming is a strong, ingrained component of our social structure, and has been present since the dawn of original sin.
Shame can take many variety of avenues, through being directed at the physical body (sexuality, sex, cleanliness, bodily fluids, health, fitness, attractiveness, etc.), the intellect (being termed retarded, stupid, dumb, nerd, dork etc), the emotions (crybaby, acting 'like a girl'), and or one's basic needs (withholding food, shelter, resources, love). Shame has become such an integral part of our human culture, that very few people are fortunate enough to escape it's grasp.
So, this week, a common issue came up for me, and one for which I have long sought the answer as either to be something outside of myself that I'm not getting, or as something that I must need to work harder at to attain. Ultimately,however, (after nights of lost sleep and days of anxiety trying to solve this problem outside of myself) my guides showed me that the answer was not in working harder, better, or faster outwardly, but that the answer to shifting the pattern behind this issue, lay in me shifting a core belief. They showed me the belief, and it was, you guessed it: shame. The belief that I don't deserve a life free of financial worry and hardship, the belief that things come hard to me, the belief that I am not doing it right, had become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Me to my guides:
"OK. Alright. I get it. Got it. Thank You. I know. You are right, you are, but. I don't know how to change it, I don't know how to shift it, I have tried! I have really, really tried, and I don't know what I'm missing! Please help."
And my guides showed me how to transmute this shame energy and step into the firm belief and assertion that, I DESERVE IT. I deserve to live free from the debilitating effects of shame. I deserve to life of abundance, prosperity, joy, and fulfillment. Whatever it is that I desire (so long as it is in The Light), if I desire it, I deserve it.
This is what they said:
"You will go before the full moon, and you will lay your clothes at her feet. Stand naked before her, and bare all. Bare to her and for all the world to see, your shame, your wounds, your fears, your imperfections, your failures, take them off of your body, and lay them at her feet.
Next, lay bare all of your beauty, before your grandmother, the moon. Place at her feet the offering of your beauty, your joy, your pure heart and love, lay down your dreams, your dearest desires, and most secrets hopes.
All that you are, stand tall. Stand tall in your beauty, your grace, your strength, your poignant imperfections that give you your charm. Pick up and return to you that which you wish to carry forward with you, leaving the rest where they lay.
All that you are not, all that was placed on you or given you, the lies that fear told you were true, these false garments, you have removed from your body and placed them at the feet of This Goddess, This Grandmother who sees through all illusion to the heart of you. She has been waiting for you to remove these clothes and to stand in your glory, which is your birthright.
In a way, it is a gift to her, to yourself, to All, to remove these garments, and to place them in her care. She will absolve them in the waters of her ocean. The will be cleansed, unraveled, and reconstituted into a new form of life and art, but they will never again be your clothes. You must never again attempt to put these false garments onto your skin.
Before The Moon, before The Universe, The All of Creation, you stand naked, tall, and resolute that you are enough. You are good enough right now, just as you are, just as you stand, naked, baring your body and soul for all to see. The Moon will kiss you, blessing you, and all the waking wild animals of the night will rejoice. From this place of pure exposure, flow in your manifestations, in effortless waves.
You will bare yourself to The Moon, to yourself, to The Universe, and that is all that you need to do."
I did it. You're damn right I did it. I was so ready for this. I stepped outside into the dark of night, with that incredible blue, full, flower moon, with Mars and Jupiter and others forming an incredible alignment. I stepped out, looked up, and threw off my robes!
It was the most exhilarating thing I've ever done! I bared myself, my truest heart and sole, and laid out my intentions as if precious flowers for an altar to the Moon. And I danced. I danced with the moon in the naked night and I have honestly never felt more comfortable in my skin. Never before I have felt more joyous to be experiencing the gift of having this physical body. I fell in love and somehow reborn in those moments. I fell in love with my dreams and I fell in love with Trust that they will in fact manifest.
There is nothing holding me back now. I have nothing to hide. The old hang ups are gone now, outside of me, entrusted to Grandmother Moon's wisdom and care. Released and free from those dirty, raggedy, old, brown, worn-out garments of old shame, and bathed fresh in that blue moon light, I can't imagine ever reaching for those old clothes again...
Thank you Spirit, Thank you Guides, Thank you Grandmother Moon, Thank you Wild Woods, Thank you Universe, Thank you Friends.
I hope we will always remember that no matter what it is that we are carrying, we can always set it down.
With much love and blessings,